What I’ve learned from my affair…

  1. I feel guilty for cheating on my husband and for my paramour’s wife.  If either ever found out, I would also feel remorse.   Why don’t I feel remorse now?  Because I really am that selfish.
  2. I’m capable of “that”.  I never thought I would do “that” but I’m weaker than I thought and I surprised myself.    This has its benefits though.  I will now be slower to judge and will be a compassionate ear for “people like that”.  People like me.
  3. It didn’t “just happen”.  It was a bunch of little, mini decisions that lead up to making one BIG decision easy.  You don’t go from point A to Z.  You get there from A to B to C to D, etc.
  4. I didn’t know how much I loved him or wanted him in my life until I told him I wanted to put my husband first .  The decision to back off was based upon the guilt I felt towards my husband… and now, I resent my husband because I left my paramour for him.  Where is that guilt?  Was it ever really there?
  5. I didn’t know how much life without him would hurt. I opened up to him about things I didn’t tell my husband. I shared things with him first, before my husband.  That level of intimacy is for a marriage only, but sometimes you just need to tell someone that will embrace your intimacy givings and treat them with care.
  6. My marriage has issues that I cannot help.  My husband struggles from mental health issues, and I can’t keep putting on a happy face.  His mental health impacts me too.  He needs to get help.  Period.
  7. I can still make someone smile. Makes me wonder why I don’t make my husband smile.
  8. As it turns out, I actually can reach orgasm during sex!  In 7 years of marriage this hasn’t happened much at all.  With my paramour, 99% of the time.  I always thought I was the broken one.
  9. I learned that I give so much but feel I am not worthy of accepting love from others.  My paramour taught me how to receive love.  However, has my marriage been all about me giving and my husband receiving that I don’t experience that?  Have we become too habitual?  Does my husband even want to be giving to me?
  10. I learned that the world is full of such hatred towards cheaters.  We’re all screwed up and we all carry shame.  The weight of shame is so great.  I’ve learned to be an ear to anyone with shame.  I need an ear.

Ending my affair taught me that its impossible to choose.  I love them both.  I love them differently.  I love my husband in a you’ve-been-with-me-through-it-all kinda way.  I love my paramour in a you-make-my-world-sparkle kind of way.  Familiarity or passion?  How do you choose?

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