My affair continues. We aren’t having sex every time we see each other, but it continues. I want to do right by my husband. I love him dearly, but an affair really is an addiction.
I see that I would be so irritated with my paramour if we were in a real relationship. He would drive me crazy. I can’t stand his obsession to always fix things and offer solutions, I cannot stand the way in which he initiates sex. I cannot stand how he doesn’t listen to me when he has something else on his mind.
My husband is a saint. He’s a great man. He doesn’t tell me as much anymore but he adores me. He apologizes when he does something wrong, and he listens like no other. He wants to be the best husband. He loves me. He knows me.
So, why do I continue to cheat? Its all selfish. The physical part of it makes me feel alive. Feel desired. I do not like my husband and I’s bedroom “style”. I like the attention my paramour gives me. I love his words of affirmation.
My paramour filed for a separation with his wife. He wanted to do this before our affair and promises me he would be doing it if not for me. He knows I do not intend to leave. But now that he is leaving his wife, I’m the only one that is doing something wrong. He is doing right by his marriage by ending something he no longer wants. I continue to have my cake and eat it too. We’re to get together tonight and I’m already wondering if I should tell him I can’t tonight. Every time I choose my husband is a small victory. Unless you have cheated you can’t understand the addiction, the power of an affair.
I want just one more day. One more day before I choose to break my own heart in two. I know I’m not alone out there in my struggles.