I’m in deep. Really deep.
I had a dream the other night that he and I were together and his wife showed up to be with him, physically. He sent me away so he wouldn’t be caught and I left, crushed and feeling discarded. In my dream I sent him a message that that would be the last time he ever has a chance to do that to me. It was our final end. I woke up feeling the most painful heartache I’ve felt in a long time and it took hours to shake. If that were reality, what would I want him to do? I have to understand and accept the life of being expendable or cut him out of my life.
I spent the night with him last night and I shared my dream with him. It crushed him as well but it’s the reality of the choices we make. We continued to talk about how much we want each other but don’t want to crush lives. At one point he told me that he has avoided physical intimacy with his wife because sex at home has gotten dull and he’s not turned on by her anymore. He said he wonders if his sex life at home would be better if I weren’t around but could never say goodbye to me, that he loves me too much. He tells her excuses like he’s too tired or he’s getting old and losing the ability.
That brought me relief. I liked hearing that. He had ZERO trouble in any of our THREE sessions last night. My ego was fed.
Who have I become that something like that makes me happy? 😦
I hate the idea of them being together physically. He and I are AH-Mazing together and in bed and he’s told me its nothing like that at home, but I still picture him being as attentive, creative, and selfless with her as he is with me.
Every month that goes by, I fall more in love. We dream more together and I get deeper and deeper. God help us.
If you pray, I could use some prayers. I know most people wouldn’t believe me, but I love my husband. I adore him. I hate what I am doing to him and at times I wish I had chosen differently. Sometimes death feels like the only option I have. Every day I ask for one more day with him. Just one.