4 Days Into “Change”

The beginning and end of my love affair.

Who am I?  I am just a woman that made the best, worst mistake of my life.  Just like any annoying blog, I have a background that I would like to share.

post

I am a Christian.  I am no doubt saved by Jesus and will worship him for all of eternity.  My identity rests in him.

I am also a wife.  I was about to give up on getting married about the time we met.  He had all the qualities I wanted but could never find.  He was God’s gift to me and we were happy.  We had our struggles, though, that peaked a few weeks before the wedding.  I broke off the engagement and our pastor told me to put the wedding on hold indefinitely.  I eventually changed my mind because I didn’t want to tell family and friends we weren’t going to make it.  We were married and it was an amazing day.

Our first year was really hard.  We struggled with merging our lives together.  By years two and three, we figured it out a bit more.  For several years we were as happy as could be.  Even I had relationship envy of our marriage.  It was clear that we made each other better people and we were fantastic together.

Fast forward to last year.  We struggled.  We went through many changes that pulled us apart.  We said some horrible things together that you can’t take back.  It changed us.  We both talked about how we didn’t want to continue that way, but couldn’t figure out how to get “us” back.  It was becoming more and more clear that we weren’t going to make it.

For years I always had my eye on a man in my life.  I was cautious though, and tried to guard my heart and be pure to my marriage, but it was fun to dream.  I thought about him, I imagined what it would be like being his friend, his lover, his wife.  About 18 months after my marriage started to really struggle, I started to see this man more and more.

One day he took me to lunch.  We had a good time.  He told me he thought of me, I told him I thought of him, too.  He came over to kiss me, and I was scared and self-conscience so I dropped my head down for just a brief second.  I lifted my  head and let him kiss me.  The validation I felt in that moment was amazing.  He actually wanted to kiss me and had thought about it for a while, just like me.

He told me he didn’t want a relationship, I told him I didn’t either.  After all, we were both married and didn’t want that to change.  That day we had sex for the first time.  It was great sex.  It wasn’t like any sex I ever had with my husband.  This man was excited about me, about touching me, about exploring me.  ME!  It turned something on in me, something that I previously felt ashamed to let out.  He made me feel sexy, desired, and full of passion.

About a month went by and I emailed him.  I was hooked, I wanted to see him again.  It may have been sexually driven, but there was something I liked about what he did to me.

We hooked up about once a month until about the time I realized I love him.  We then saw each other multiple times a month, sometimes a few times a week.

I fell HARD for him.  I started to dream about a life with him and wanted to be the best person I could be for him. The sex was getting better and better but the love was growing at a faster rate.  I thought about him all day, everyday.

About this time, my husband and I started to click again.  I think a lot of it had to do with me putting more effort into making sure he would never suspect anything and that extra dose of trying made him put down his guard and also try more.  Either way, we were getting back to “us” again.

My paramour and I had the opportunity to get away for a week.  It was hard to decide if I should go or not.  I wanted that time together so badly, and to make memories with him, but the guilt of cheating on my husband weighed on me.  That and knowing that what we were doing was wrong in God’s eye, made it so much harder.  I decided to go and it was an amazing time.  I didn’t feel guilt, I felt alive, and full of the most amazing love I could have felt.

Half way through the week the guilt started.  I had a husband at home that adores me and I was away with another man.  The emotions came blurting out, unfiltered, unprocessed and I said I had to start choosing my husband and putting him first.  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back.

That was a few days ago and things have changed.  Today is Day 4 of “change”. I’m home now and things are different between my paramour and I.  He wants to honor me and stop the physical.  We both agreed that the love won’t stop and we didn’t want to do this alone, we wanted to try and still be friends… that happen to be madly in love with each other.  All I want, is what we had back. (If anyone out there sells a time machine, please PM me.)

That’s the background.  I’m hoping this blog of mine will be a resource to Christian men and women out there that find themselves outside of God’s will, but desperately in love with someone they are not married to.  Our world has so much hatred for “cheaters” and it can make everything feel so alone.  I’m here to say “shame on you” to Christians that judge people like me.  Heck, I used to judge people like me… but what ends up happening?  We end up with people like me, who are desperate for comfort but know that there is lots of judgement waiting for me and so we remain silent in our own shame and the devil smiles, ready to pounce, taking advantage of my despair, loneliness and shame.