The Sick Truth

I’m in deep.  Really deep.

I had a dream the other night that he and I were together and his wife showed up to be with him, physically.  He sent me away so he wouldn’t be caught and I left, crushed and feeling discarded. In my dream I sent him a message that that would be the last time he ever has a chance to do that to me. It was our final end.  I woke up feeling the most painful heartache I’ve felt in a long time and it took hours to shake.  If that were reality, what would I want him to do?  I have to understand and accept the life of being expendable or cut him out of my life.

I spent the night with him last night and I shared my dream with him.  It crushed him as well but it’s the reality of the choices we make.  We continued to talk about how much we want each other but don’t want to crush lives.  At one point he told me that he has avoided physical intimacy with his wife because sex at home has gotten dull and he’s not turned on by her anymore.  He said he wonders if his sex life at home would be better if I weren’t around but could never say goodbye to me, that he loves me too much.  He tells her excuses like he’s too tired or he’s getting old and losing the ability.

That brought me relief. I liked hearing that.  He had ZERO trouble in any of our THREE sessions last night.  My ego was fed.

Who have I become that something like that makes me happy?  😦

I hate the idea of them being together physically.  He and I are AH-Mazing together and in bed and he’s told me its nothing like that at home, but I still picture him being as attentive, creative, and selfless with her as he is with me.

Every month that goes by, I fall more in love.  We dream more together and I get deeper and deeper.  God help us.

If you pray, I could use some prayers.  I know most people wouldn’t believe me, but I love my husband.  I adore him.  I hate what I am doing to him and at times I wish I had chosen differently.  Sometimes death feels like the only option I have.  Every day I ask for one more day with him.  Just one.


Just One More Day

My affair continues.  We aren’t having sex every time we see each other, but it continues.  I want to do right by my husband.  I love him dearly, but an affair really is an addiction.

I see that I would be so irritated with my paramour if we were in a real relationship.  He would drive me crazy.  I can’t stand his obsession to always fix things and offer solutions, I cannot stand the way in which he initiates sex. I cannot stand how he doesn’t listen to me when he has something else on his mind.

My husband is a saint. He’s a great man.  He doesn’t tell me as much anymore but he adores me. He apologizes when he does something wrong, and he listens like no other.  He wants to be the best husband.  He loves me.  He knows me.

So, why do I continue to cheat? Its all selfish. The physical part of it makes me feel alive. Feel desired.  I do not like my husband and I’s bedroom “style”.  I like the attention my paramour gives me. I love his words of affirmation.

My paramour filed for a separation with his wife. He wanted to do this before our affair and promises me he would be doing it if not for me.  He knows I do not intend to leave.  But now that he is leaving his wife, I’m the only one that is doing something wrong. He is doing right by his marriage by ending something he no longer wants.  I continue to have my cake and eat it too.  We’re to get together tonight and I’m already wondering if I should tell him I can’t tonight.  Every time I choose my husband is a small victory.  Unless you have cheated you can’t understand the addiction, the power of an affair.

I want just one more day.  One more day before I choose to break my own heart in two.  I know I’m not alone out there in my struggles.

What I’ve learned from my affair…

  1. I feel guilty for cheating on my husband and for my paramour’s wife.  If either ever found out, I would also feel remorse.   Why don’t I feel remorse now?  Because I really am that selfish.
  2. I’m capable of “that”.  I never thought I would do “that” but I’m weaker than I thought and I surprised myself.    This has its benefits though.  I will now be slower to judge and will be a compassionate ear for “people like that”.  People like me.
  3. It didn’t “just happen”.  It was a bunch of little, mini decisions that lead up to making one BIG decision easy.  You don’t go from point A to Z.  You get there from A to B to C to D, etc.
  4. I didn’t know how much I loved him or wanted him in my life until I told him I wanted to put my husband first .  The decision to back off was based upon the guilt I felt towards my husband… and now, I resent my husband because I left my paramour for him.  Where is that guilt?  Was it ever really there?
  5. I didn’t know how much life without him would hurt. I opened up to him about things I didn’t tell my husband. I shared things with him first, before my husband.  That level of intimacy is for a marriage only, but sometimes you just need to tell someone that will embrace your intimacy givings and treat them with care.
  6. My marriage has issues that I cannot help.  My husband struggles from mental health issues, and I can’t keep putting on a happy face.  His mental health impacts me too.  He needs to get help.  Period.
  7. I can still make someone smile. Makes me wonder why I don’t make my husband smile.
  8. As it turns out, I actually can reach orgasm during sex!  In 7 years of marriage this hasn’t happened much at all.  With my paramour, 99% of the time.  I always thought I was the broken one.
  9. I learned that I give so much but feel I am not worthy of accepting love from others.  My paramour taught me how to receive love.  However, has my marriage been all about me giving and my husband receiving that I don’t experience that?  Have we become too habitual?  Does my husband even want to be giving to me?
  10. I learned that the world is full of such hatred towards cheaters.  We’re all screwed up and we all carry shame.  The weight of shame is so great.  I’ve learned to be an ear to anyone with shame.  I need an ear.

Ending my affair taught me that its impossible to choose.  I love them both.  I love them differently.  I love my husband in a you’ve-been-with-me-through-it-all kinda way.  I love my paramour in a you-make-my-world-sparkle kind of way.  Familiarity or passion?  How do you choose?

It is so real…

Now that you have the background, let me tell you all something that makes me mad.
Webpages that tell me it wasn’t love.  They say it was “fantasy love”.
It is not fair to tell someone that just because they were having an affair that it wasn’t love.  Sure, maybe we didn’t have time on our side, or real life struggles to go through, but we had time and we had struggles.  We worked through our struggles with love and patience.  It was real.  It is real.
He loves me.  I will always know that he loves me.  It is the way that he loves me that tells me.  He finds joy in making me happy.  Selfless.  He will rub my shoulders for hours just to make me feel better, even if I’m not in pain.  He is excited if I’m excited.  It brings him joy to bring me even a smile.  He looks for ways to pour out love to me.
I do the same.  I’m not half as good as he is at it, but he sure makes me want to be an expert giver because I see what it does for him when I pour out my love.  Its a mutual love for being generous to one another.
I can’t remember if that ever happened with my husband.  It may have and I have since forgotten but I can’t remember a time that he wanted to make me feel better.  Even today, if I have the flu, I have to ask for him to do things for me.  He will do them because he loves me, but I have never felt like it was his joy to care for me.  Sure, he gets me flowers from time to time, and I love them, but it is like he does it for himself, not for me.
One thing i do know… I have never loved waking up next to someone before him.  I remember looking over at him and smiling, just so thrilled that he was really there.  I hope I never forget that feeling.
People also say that it cannot be love because we started our relationship on deceit.  To a point I agree.  If I marry my paramour someday, I do think a part of me will always wonder if he will cheat on me.  If I do, and if he does, I think it’ll be okay.  It will hurt like bloody hell, yes, but what could I say?  Imagine the kind of love, that will forgive the worst of the worst simply by saying “hey… me too”.  After all, I am also a cheater.  Will always be.  So Christians, when someone confesses something to you, consider saying “me too”.  I think it will make the world an easier place and everyone to feel a little less alone.
So, if you are like me, and you have fallen for someone that isn’t your spouse… believe me, it can be real and you deserve to know that it can be real.


4 Days Into “Change”

The beginning and end of my love affair.

Who am I?  I am just a woman that made the best, worst mistake of my life.  Just like any annoying blog, I have a background that I would like to share.


I am a Christian.  I am no doubt saved by Jesus and will worship him for all of eternity.  My identity rests in him.

I am also a wife.  I was about to give up on getting married about the time we met.  He had all the qualities I wanted but could never find.  He was God’s gift to me and we were happy.  We had our struggles, though, that peaked a few weeks before the wedding.  I broke off the engagement and our pastor told me to put the wedding on hold indefinitely.  I eventually changed my mind because I didn’t want to tell family and friends we weren’t going to make it.  We were married and it was an amazing day.

Our first year was really hard.  We struggled with merging our lives together.  By years two and three, we figured it out a bit more.  For several years we were as happy as could be.  Even I had relationship envy of our marriage.  It was clear that we made each other better people and we were fantastic together.

Fast forward to last year.  We struggled.  We went through many changes that pulled us apart.  We said some horrible things together that you can’t take back.  It changed us.  We both talked about how we didn’t want to continue that way, but couldn’t figure out how to get “us” back.  It was becoming more and more clear that we weren’t going to make it.

For years I always had my eye on a man in my life.  I was cautious though, and tried to guard my heart and be pure to my marriage, but it was fun to dream.  I thought about him, I imagined what it would be like being his friend, his lover, his wife.  About 18 months after my marriage started to really struggle, I started to see this man more and more.

One day he took me to lunch.  We had a good time.  He told me he thought of me, I told him I thought of him, too.  He came over to kiss me, and I was scared and self-conscience so I dropped my head down for just a brief second.  I lifted my  head and let him kiss me.  The validation I felt in that moment was amazing.  He actually wanted to kiss me and had thought about it for a while, just like me.

He told me he didn’t want a relationship, I told him I didn’t either.  After all, we were both married and didn’t want that to change.  That day we had sex for the first time.  It was great sex.  It wasn’t like any sex I ever had with my husband.  This man was excited about me, about touching me, about exploring me.  ME!  It turned something on in me, something that I previously felt ashamed to let out.  He made me feel sexy, desired, and full of passion.

About a month went by and I emailed him.  I was hooked, I wanted to see him again.  It may have been sexually driven, but there was something I liked about what he did to me.

We hooked up about once a month until about the time I realized I love him.  We then saw each other multiple times a month, sometimes a few times a week.

I fell HARD for him.  I started to dream about a life with him and wanted to be the best person I could be for him. The sex was getting better and better but the love was growing at a faster rate.  I thought about him all day, everyday.

About this time, my husband and I started to click again.  I think a lot of it had to do with me putting more effort into making sure he would never suspect anything and that extra dose of trying made him put down his guard and also try more.  Either way, we were getting back to “us” again.

My paramour and I had the opportunity to get away for a week.  It was hard to decide if I should go or not.  I wanted that time together so badly, and to make memories with him, but the guilt of cheating on my husband weighed on me.  That and knowing that what we were doing was wrong in God’s eye, made it so much harder.  I decided to go and it was an amazing time.  I didn’t feel guilt, I felt alive, and full of the most amazing love I could have felt.

Half way through the week the guilt started.  I had a husband at home that adores me and I was away with another man.  The emotions came blurting out, unfiltered, unprocessed and I said I had to start choosing my husband and putting him first.  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back.

That was a few days ago and things have changed.  Today is Day 4 of “change”. I’m home now and things are different between my paramour and I.  He wants to honor me and stop the physical.  We both agreed that the love won’t stop and we didn’t want to do this alone, we wanted to try and still be friends… that happen to be madly in love with each other.  All I want, is what we had back. (If anyone out there sells a time machine, please PM me.)

That’s the background.  I’m hoping this blog of mine will be a resource to Christian men and women out there that find themselves outside of God’s will, but desperately in love with someone they are not married to.  Our world has so much hatred for “cheaters” and it can make everything feel so alone.  I’m here to say “shame on you” to Christians that judge people like me.  Heck, I used to judge people like me… but what ends up happening?  We end up with people like me, who are desperate for comfort but know that there is lots of judgement waiting for me and so we remain silent in our own shame and the devil smiles, ready to pounce, taking advantage of my despair, loneliness and shame.